Blog by Lori Stanley Roeleveld

Church Bullies - How to Spot Them

I’ve been thinking about bullies lately. 
You can find them everywhere.

Kids bully other children at school or on social networking sites. Gangs bully entire communities, frightening good people into silence and inaction with the threat of violence. Executives bully using budgets, dangled rewards and motivational tactics they learn at seminars held in exotic resorts while politicians bully through backroom deals, media manipulation and carefully coded speeches.

I’m a long way from worrying about life on the playground but that isn’t really where I’ve experienced the most bullying. Most of the bullies I’ve encountered have been in church.

The scariest thing about church bullies is that they smile when they’re coming at you like they’ve just baked you a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies. Often they refer to you with warm familial terms like “Good morning, sister” or “Welcome, brother.” And then enfold you in a generous embrace, kiss you on both cheeks and look you in the eye – asking you how you are with an intense gaze meant to communicate sincere interest and godly concern.

Because of this approach, you often don’t even see a glint of the dagger. Sometimes you don’t know what’s happened until you’re bleeding out onto the tile of the church fellowship hall – the last thing you remember the scent of coffee grounds and just a whiff of Play-doh.

Church bullying is a subtle thing. I’ve seen it done from the pulpit but that’s easy to spot and it doesn’t happen as often as you might think. Mostly I’ve encountered lay-bullies.

Sometimes their strong arming is accomplished with an uncomfortable silence (and if you’re quick enough – just the slightest of glances exchanged between those who fear the bullies). Make the mistake of breaching a forbidden topic, using an unacceptable religious term or asking a question that presses a hot issue - you hear the silence fall like a theatre curtain and suddenly no one will look you in the eye – except the chief bully whose expression doesn’t change at all but suddenly seems a bit cooler, icier, almost the smile of shark – same dead eye. You’re addressed in understanding tones, reassuring even, but in words delivered with warm cookie breath you’re bullied into backing down and you walk away feeling slightly confused.

I’ve seen it happen over a cup of coffee, though the bully usually drinks tea. The invitation seemed innocent enough but at some point the conversation takes on a darker tone, a phantom sub-text you can hear beneath the smiling voice speaking words like “just concerned for your spiritual growth” and “knew you would want someone to mention this” and “God has just put a message for you on my heart”. Suddenly, the coffee shop or living room takes on all the charm of a back alley or a vacant lot.

Bullying often happens in tandem. The bully brings along a trainee who was turned down for a role as a Stepford wife for being too perky. As the bully is delivering his or her veiled threats, the sidekick is nodding like a bobble head doll and reassuring you that you are a perfectly redeemable case and soon you’ll fit right in because you are already loved no matter how many bad habits you picked up at your last church. At least now, you want to get it right, bless your heart.

Is it really that bad, you ask? Yes, sometimes it really is. Now, don’t get me wrong, loving Christians confront one another, challenge one another and instruct one another in all manner of ways that aren’t bullying but not every confrontation, challenge or instruction done in the name of Christ is an act of love –sometimes it’s a case of religious thuggery, like being assaulted by a bunk mate with a bar of soap tied into an athletic sock. It’s bullying plain and simple.

The word from God is this: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” (Gal. 6:1-2) What is at the core of this verse is the idea of approaching your brother or sister with gentleness of heart – not just gentle words tattooed across an iron fist.

What is the culture in your bible study, your small group, your congregation? Do you put up with bullies in your midst? Have you been silenced for fear of reprisal from bullies as you watched others fall victim? Are you a bully? Questions I ask myself all the time.

Next time you’re with your brothers and sisters, look around with God’s eyes. Is it a welcoming place of acceptance, nurture, challenge and love or do you feel like you’ve taken a wrong turn and ended up in a vacant school yard hearing the theme song of High Noon whistle through the air? Let’s leave the bullying to the bad guys.

What about you?  How do you spot a bully? How do you handle one? How do you keep from becoming one?