Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have  elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order  that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons  as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is  required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will  play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client



Addendum from The Editor:



IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.


DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

Tracy and "just a shadow of my former self..." at Strangford

There is a storm brewing

From Perry Noble's Blog

Four Random Questions I Wrestle With November 12, 2009

I often reflect on my early years in ministry…and the questions I wrestled with then.  As I look at my struggles my first five years…not that much has changed.  I still struggle with the same things…
#1 – Why do people criticize a church that reaches people?
I remember hearing early on in my ministry how evil Willow Creek/Bill Hybels was…so…I went to a conference where Hybels was speaking (so I could make my own decision) and watched him WEEP over people far from God (something I had never seen his critics do!)  It didn’t take me long to realize that his critics were not motivated by concern…but rather jealousy.
Yet…this still happens today.  In fact, it is quite popular to speak against anything that is growing in Christian circles…because if it can be shown in a negative light then it empowers other churches/organization to stay where they are and not make any sorts of adjustments.
#2 – Why do churches continually invest in broken systems?
For example…I am from Baptist world (this will be fun)…and I never, EVER, understood the concept of Sunday school.  The church begged and begged people to go…but the pastor didn’t go, the staff didn’t go–HECK, the Sunday school director didn’t even go!!!
If I am remembering correctly…SS attendance in ever major denomination has been DECREASING since the 1970’s…and yet churches STILL invest in the system that DID HAVE IT’S DAY…but needs to be let go of.  (I am REALLY making a lot of new friends in Baptist world right now!  Guys…I don’t hate you!  My heart is built on nothing less than Lottie Moon and Broadman Press!  I just desperately wish change would be embraced for the sake of HIS KINGDOM…and the SBC’s goal would not be merely to survive…but thrive!!!)
The other thing that comes to mind here is the way churches invest in youth and children’s ministry!  Seriously…I’ve read statistics that say up to 80% of CHURCHED KIDS walk away from the church when they graduate high school…and very few EVER return.  Could one of the problems be THE WAY the church approached ministry?  If so…then does the church MAYBE need to make some adjustments?
If the system is broken then say it is…and doing so is NOT irreverent…it is actually honoring to God!!!
#3 – Why do “Christians” hate people who aren’t like them?
This was REALLY confusing…I remember churches organizing abortion protest and then going out and yelling/screaming at people entering the abortion clinics and such.
NOW…let me be very clear…I am NOT for abortion…at all!  BUT…I remember thinking during the times when these protests were quite popular, “what about the girl who is sitting in the church right now and has had an abortion?”  (You can actually put anyone in that situation…the person who has given away their virginity, had a divorce, struggles with an addiction.)
Unfortunately…I’ve discovered that the people who most often look down on people who aren’t as “good as them” are usually hiding something of their own!!!
Oh…and one more thing here…why do “Christians” hate people who don’t believe just like them?  (The reformed guys are usually the worse…and, being pretty much reformed in my theology I believe I can say that with integrity!)  We all have different beliefs…but I would say if we could claim the Nicean Creed as our common ground…we should be mature enough to work through the rest.)
#4 – Why do pastors/church leaders listen to people who tell them what they should be doing…but have actually never done it?
If I wrote a book on surgery…the how to’s and such…there isn’t a doctor in the world that would buy it and/or attempt to apply what I had written!  Why?  Because…I am not a doctor…and I have NEVER actually performed surgery.
Yet…someone who has never planted a church and/or been a pastor can write a book in the Christian world…and church planters/pastors will devour it.  Some people call this brilliant…I call it stupid.
The world seems to grasp this concept…learn from people who have been where you want to go.  Yet the church seems to embrace, “listen and learn from the people who have never actually done anything…but have really good theories.”
Pastors/church leaders…if you want to learn the seek the wisdom of people who have actually done what you are wanting to do.  (BTW…these people do not descrie themselves as “experts”…but rather servants who simply listen to the Lord and do what He says!)
And for the person/people who have great theories about how to plant/lead a church…I would say if you really believe in your theories then why don’t you risk it all and put them into practice rather than trying to make a profit by selling your untested ideas to men and women whom you are hoping may have the faith that you don’t actually have?
Tagged: Church Issues, Church Planting, Leadership, Personal

Extreme Sheep Herding

Anyone for a holiday?

Wish you were here, says chairman of Iraqi tourist board - Times Online

Psalm 61

For the director of music. With stringed instruments. Of David.

 ¹ Hear my cry, O God;
       listen to my prayer. ² From the ends of the earth I call to you,
       I call as my heart grows faint;
       lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 ³ For you have been my refuge,
       a strong tower against the foe.
 ⁴ I long to dwell in your tent forever
       and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
       Selah
 ⁵ For you have heard my vows, O God;
       you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
 ⁶ Increase the days of the king's life,
       his years for many generations.
 ⁷ May he be enthroned in God's presence forever;
       appoint your love and faithfulness to protect him.
 ⁸ Then will I ever sing praise to your name
       and fulfill my vows day after day.